By: Anonymous CDC Mem
I’ve heard of songs about falling in love and falling out of love. Songs about reciprocated love as
well as unrequited love. But I have yet to hear at least one song about not being in love, a song
describing the feeling of being not in love. Have you?
Remember the first time your heart started pounding for that special someone? The first time
you held his/her hand? The first time you kissed? The first time you said I love you’s to each
other? Cherish each and every one of those early morning texts, afternoon walks, and those late
night conversations? Can’t help sing with so much emotions to every relatable Taylor Swift
song? Currently friendzoned? It must really suck for your best friend to get off with someone else
and then update you very enthusiastically every little bit of detail each time they date, huh? Or are
you still grieving from the last relationship you had? Can you still recollect the heart aching
breakup? Do you just want to forget all those stupid fights and foolish disagreements? Regret
feeling all jealous and then arguing because of it? And have you already memorized every line of
Basha and Popoy from watching One More Chance over and over again, weeping like a baby
But what I’m really more curious about is, do you even remember that feeling of having never
been love? And this means not having experienced any of those I’ve said earlier. Not feeling
anything. Feeling plainly numb and innocent about love. Probably not, you lovesick bastard. You
must’ve been in love since your hormones started kicking in!
Know anyone who do and still has?
From those love experiences and feelings I’ve mentioned above, I can’t relate to a single one!
And no, I’m not going through the details about the how’s or the why’s I’ve came to this point in
time. What I only want you to know is what I feel.
Bitter. When I see couple holding hands, the first time would probably be just fine with me. The
second time would start making me a little annoyed. The third time? My veins would start to heat
up. And 4 or more times in just a span of one day? My veins would reach their boiling point.
Nothing but a presence of a couple makes me feel any less single and alone. Miserably single
and alone. Valentine’s Day is fine, though. To me, it’s a day for love and it’s not exclusive to
lovers only. But monthsaries? No way, Jose. Lovers don’t have to celebrate every little thing! It’s
a big slap in the faces for every single person out there! Every month!
Numb. If I’m not bitter, I feel numb and a little bit clueless. When I read a book or watch a movie
about love and romance, whether I would feel giddy (for romcoms) or sad (for tragedies) after
and as much as I try to empathize with the characters, not being able to know the feelings of the
characters and not having a similar firsthand experience, makes me feel pretty numb. Feeling
numb makes me feel like I’m stupid. Like I’m not appreciating something so beautiful. But I can’t. It
sucks not being able to relate to almost anything related to love at all, it makes me feel alone.
Alone with this “problem” (if you’d consider it one). And that’s terrifying!
Terrified. I’ve got three reasons. First: I don’t want to love for the wrong reasons. Falling in love
just for the sake of falling in love? Falling in love because I don’t want to be alone someday?
Settling with someone because you just have no other choice? It scares me to live my life like
that, like I’ve made a wrong decision and stick with. Second: But, I’m also afraid to never fall in
love at all. I can already imagine myself living in a little bungalow near my parents’ house doing
some gardening and taking care of 9 stray cats. No! I don’t want that either! Third: I’m not yet
ready to get my heart broken. I’m worried that when I do fall in love I’d already expect to breakup
after. If that happens I’m sure I’d be so devastated and get all traumatized that I’d probably do
end up living in that little bungalow with 9 cats.
Hopeful. But despite these negative sentiments, I’m still feeling hopeful. Hopeful that the best is
yet to come. Hopeful that I would still able to meet the guy of my dreams, my prince charming,
and my knight in shining armor rolled into one (But please not when I’m in distress). It would be
my first and last love. Ain’t that sweet? And I would never have that one that got away. I’d also
probably get a better lovestory than any one of Taylor Swift’s, better than Twilight at the very very
least. It’d be like a love story straight from a fairytale book or a feel good romantic comedy movie.
Fuck that last paragraph! Who am I kidding? I am a realist and I incline more to the pessimist
side. Having just written that made me feel a little disgusted with myself, even though a teeny tiny
itty bitty part of my heart does feel that way (Must be a virus. Ugh). Although it would be lovely to
have a happily ever after, rarely does it even ever happen? Who am I to be given such experience?
Nonetheless, love is still such a big mystery to me, making me curious and crazy like how
Sherlock Holmes would’ve been from an ultimately peculiar crime. However, wherever, and
whenever love would ever meddle with my life, once I know for sure it’s genuine love, a love so sweet, a love so strong, a love so great, a love that would last forever. Oh, whatever love even feels like (God, I have no clue), I’d probably grasp it immediately and wholeheartedly!
Or not. We can never really know.
Lots of love.