The Virgin Diaries

By: Anonymous CDC Mem

I’ve heard of songs about falling in love and falling out of love. Songs about reciprocated love as

well as unrequited love. But I have yet to hear at least one song about not being in love, a song

describing the feeling of being not in love. Have you?

Remember the first time your heart started pounding for that special someone? The first time

you held his/her hand? The first time you kissed? The first time you said I love you’s to each

other? Cherish each and every one of those early morning texts, afternoon walks, and those late

night conversations? Can’t help sing with so much emotions to every relatable Taylor Swift

song? Currently friendzoned? It must really suck for your best friend to get off with someone else

and then update you very enthusiastically every little bit of detail each time they date, huh? Or are

you still grieving from the last relationship you had? Can you still recollect the heart aching

breakup? Do you just want to forget all those stupid fights and foolish disagreements? Regret

feeling all jealous and then arguing because of it? And have you already memorized every line of

Basha and Popoy from watching One More Chance over and over again, weeping like a baby

each time?


But what I’m really more curious about is, do you even remember that feeling of having never

been love? And this means not having experienced any of those I’ve said earlier. Not feeling

anything. Feeling plainly numb and innocent about love. Probably not, you lovesick bastard. You

must’ve been in love since your hormones started kicking in!

Know anyone who do and still has?

Yours truly.

From those love experiences and feelings I’ve mentioned above, I can’t relate to a single one!

And no, I’m not going through the details about the how’s or the why’s I’ve came to this point in

time. What I only want you to know is what I feel.


Bitter. When I see couple holding hands, the first time would probably be just fine with me. The

second time would start making me a little annoyed. The third time? My veins would start to heat

up. And 4 or more times in just a span of one day? My veins would reach their boiling point.

Nothing but a presence of a couple makes me feel any less single and alone. Miserably single

and alone. Valentine’s Day is fine, though. To me, it’s a day for love and it’s not exclusive to

lovers only. But monthsaries? No way, Jose. Lovers don’t have to celebrate every little thing! It’s

a big slap in the faces for every single person out there! Every month!




Numb. If I’m not bitter, I feel numb and a little bit clueless. When I read a book or watch a movie

about love and romance, whether I would feel giddy (for romcoms) or sad (for tragedies) after

and as much as I try to empathize with the characters, not being able to know the feelings of the

characters and not having a similar firsthand experience, makes me feel pretty numb. Feeling

numb makes me feel like I’m stupid. Like I’m not appreciating something so beautiful. But I can’t. It

sucks not being able to relate to almost anything related to love at all, it makes me feel alone.

Alone with this “problem” (if you’d consider it one). And that’s terrifying!


Terrified. I’ve got three reasons. First: I don’t want to love for the wrong reasons. Falling in love

just for the sake of falling in love? Falling in love because I don’t want to be alone someday?

Settling with someone because you just have no other choice? It scares me to live my life like

that, like I’ve made a wrong decision and stick with. Second: But, I’m also afraid to never fall in

love at all. I can already imagine myself living in a little bungalow near my parents’ house doing

some gardening and taking care of 9 stray cats. No! I don’t want that either! Third: I’m not yet

ready to get my heart broken. I’m worried that when I do fall in love I’d already expect to breakup

after. If that happens I’m sure I’d be so devastated and get all traumatized that I’d probably do

end up living in that little bungalow with 9 cats.


Hopeful. But despite these negative sentiments, I’m still feeling hopeful. Hopeful that the best is

yet to come. Hopeful that I would still able to meet the guy of my dreams, my prince charming,

and my knight in shining armor rolled into one (But please not when I’m in distress). It would be

my first and last love. Ain’t that sweet? And I would never have that one that got away. I’d also

probably get a better lovestory than any one of Taylor Swift’s, better than Twilight at the very very

least. It’d be like a love story straight from a fairytale book or a feel good romantic comedy movie.

Fuck that last paragraph! Who am I kidding? I am a realist and I incline more to the pessimist

side. Having just written that made me feel a little disgusted with myself, even though a teeny tiny

itty bitty part of my heart does feel that way (Must be a virus. Ugh). Although it would be lovely to

have a happily ever after, rarely does it even ever happen? Who am I to be given such experience?

Nonetheless, love is still such a big mystery to me, making me curious and crazy like how

Sherlock Holmes would’ve been from an ultimately peculiar crime. However, wherever, and

whenever love would ever meddle with my life, once I know for sure it’s genuine love, a love so sweet, a love so strong, a love so great, a love that would last forever. Oh, whatever love even feels like (God, I have no clue), I’d probably grasp it immediately and wholeheartedly!

Or not. We can never really know.

Image sources:

Taylor Swift:

Lots of love.


6 thoughts on “The Virgin Diaries

  1. Angel says:

    The feeling of being in love is amazing but when you felt like you’re ready to fall in love, you also have to be ready to get hurt. It usually comes with pain and the only thing you can hope for is that it’s worth it. I miss the feeling of being so carefree and not knowing how love felt like because after being in a very long relationship, it [loving] felt kinda tiring. To whoever wrote this article, enjoy being single but don’t be afraid to fall in love, even though the relationship might not last, because “In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.”

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